I think my life ended that day. Some day in February 6 years ago. I think it ended and I knew it but I pretended like we could carry on business as usual, which I did, with no regard to how much life was about to change.

I mean we really don’t know what lies ahead. We can make a plan but ultimately (at least I believe) we have no control over the unwinding of our life. It could be anything; financial hardship, infertility or a terminal disease. While no one plans for these things, I often think they are the best test of character and will reveal how deeply rooted you are in what you believe.

How it started (roughly April 2019, shortly after his diagnosis)

How its going (December 2024)

Recently, I found myself sitting on my office floor totally undone by a sequence of events that had just taken place over the past week. I was totally shaken, cut to the bone and ready to throw in the towel. I believe in God and I have a relationship with Jesus. He is my Lord and Savior. I also wrestle with my humanity. Suffering is suffering even if you have a relationship with the Savior of the world. In my mess of tears that night (recently) crying out to God, I uttered the words “don’t You see me?” I know, El Roi, the God who sees me. I read that in the bible before too and do believe He sees, but I think when you’re just overwhelmed with grief, most of the time it’s us who don’t see Him. The question “don’t you see me?” doesn’t come from a place of unbelief, but from a valley where you feel so close yet so far from the Waymaker. It’s comes from a place of human authenticity because in that moment you come to the realization that you are in fact not in control.

I was unraveling and honestly I think God prefers me that way sometimes. I think He’s okay with it. Rather than trying to “be strong” and hold it together. Be strong for who?! My Kids?! Would they think that a mom who holds it all together and pretends to have it under control is strong? Or would they believe their mom, who breaks down and did it all anyway even at rock bottom is strong? I would say the latter.

I know what you’re thinking, “Cori why don’t you ask for help?” Help with Tony, I have that. It’s not that aspect that shakes me, even though that’s challenging. It’s the daily realization that everything we ever wanted as a family is no longer an option and that’s hard burry. It’s not something you can just sleep off.

This was the most significant moment of my time unraveling in my office. After I collected myself, I realized that I had been here before. I was in this very same spot, in this very same position…6 years ago.

February of 2019 my husband was diagnosed with ALS. After being told not to google…I googled (of course) and came upstairs; here, to my office and I did the same thing.

I wept…

“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” 1Peter 5:10